The ghosts of longing

Longing is a familiar emotion for me; look I live in a desert even though I know water feeds my soul.

And, there is a way that this dry New Mexico land has actually taught me about water, the water of my spirit.  I have learned to appreciate shallow oases and short afternoon rains within myself.  And yet I don’t want to stay comfortable in longing, I want to know continual flow.

Something I haven’t yet really talked about on this blog much less fully acknowledge in my own self, is that in leaving my old home I was choosing to leave not only longing for an intimate fulfilled love but also longing for God that had felt separate from me.

For ten years I moved with a guru around this world, content with moments of bliss when her eyes looked upon me, and content with 90% of the time being in a state of longing for more.  There is no doubt that that 10% of fulfillment taught me so much; taught me what it is I want, what it tastes and feels like in my body. 

But during that 90% time I was living with the belief that I must not deserve 100%.  I am not worthy of gods love, of love, of contentment, wholeness, embodiment of god.   Just as I had believed I would die with out my partner and that it was she who made me whole, so I did with my guru.

I have tried to keep these old longings buried by leaving them up at the house, but they are still with me.  Even though I have physically moved from that home the ghosts of those longings still linger and sometimes haunt me. 

I was lying in the tub the other night and finally allowed myself to feel the longing again for something greater than my own self.   I have been afraid to feel this because I thought it would mean I still wanted to be with my guru.  I used to lie in the tub or float on water and imagine it was my guru holding me.  But even with that I would still feel emptiness inside and I longed to know god/guru inside.  All of a sudden in that moment the other night it became clear to me that since I left my gurus presence I have been working on feeling full of god/Self but now I could clearly feel an emptiness around me, I missed being held by a larger river bed than my own body.  I finally allowed myself to feel longing for That again, but That with out a name I had called my guru and even with out a name of any god.

It was difficult for me to admit that not only do I want to know that again, but I need it, I need to feel contained and carried, that I am not the only one doing all the work.  That was new to admit to myself.

Curious, I wrote the above last night, now after posting the below videos from Morazan, and coming back to this writing again I can see the connections.  Maybe I am projecting onto him my own story, maybe it helps me to find my own.  I see him haunted by old gods and trying to find a way to connect to them in this modern world.  It is really the same for myself even though I don’t come from a religious tradition.  Actually the lack of a religious context makes my confusion and longings feel like a bottomless pit that may never be filled, or sacred ground to walk upon; hungry to devour other’s gods.

 I wonder if Morazon feels lost, because as the observer looking at his work, yes I see his struggle and longings, but in That he is also found.   Can he see that, does he realize he is becoming one with those gods?

Can I see that, can I accept that the ancient ones are with me even if I can’t feel them or even know their names?  Can I accept that I am being held all the time? 

I can’t really explain how but there is a way that this dry land has actually taught me to be fierce. This land has taught me to not be content with feeling dry, but instead to reach even deeper inside and out for what feels missing but may actually be here all along even in this sometimesdry river bed…. life is present.

May my art be the food for these ghosts of longings, may this feeding fill the empty ghosts so that they may be the gods that they are.

Thank you Irvin Morazan