Rubble

I dug some old writing out, starting in the rubble of my broken heart. Starting at the end of a fifteen-year commitment. Drowning in my grief I grasped at words to make sense of it all.... and i grasped at my guru who i thought could save me.  I needed to understand. 
These writings feel like one piece of the self trying to find the whole. Putting this blog together is another piece.

9-4-05

Oh God my heart hurts.

Why do I cling so desperately to this illusion of love?

Why do I need her love to feel complete?

I remember the sweet things we used to say to each other. I remember holding her in my arms till she fell asleep. I remember feeling that she is my whole world, nothing else matters; with out her I am lost.

Was none of that real? Was she lying when she told me there could be no other, that I was her perfect lover?

How can it just go away?

It means all these fifteen years were a lie, false untrue, not real?

What was it that we saw in each other, that made us believe this was true Love?

Were we so desperate that we couldn’t see the falseness?

When did my heart turn to stone, when did the day turn to night?

When did our sweet love calls turn to bitter resentments and disappointments?

When did our worst nightmare to be apart become the only solution to this endless fighting?

When did her love stop making me feel whole, when was it not enough anymore:

her lips my heaven, her smell my call home, her dark eyes a mirror to my heart of longing.

I couldn’t imagine there was an even greater love, a deeper call home.

Amma before You, I didn’t know I hadn’t found home, I didn’t know I wasn’t whole yet.

But how to let go of this dear one so that I can be made wholly Yours? It feels impossible; I’m not strong enough.

I didn’t know it was really You I was looking for in this beautiful woman.

I didn’t know it was really my Self that I was looking for in this powerful woman.

I didn’t know it was my own wholeness I was looking for in this brave woman.

I didn’t know she couldn’t give me real love?

I didn’t know I couldn’t give her real love?

I didn’t know our love wouldn’t be enough?

So who is their to blame, we were only two little girls lost without our Mother, holding onto each other. How can I judge that?

How can she judge that? How could we take it so for granted; ALL that we were able to give to each other, with just our little selves?

We came together in innocence, with all the love that we had to offer in hopes of finding healing and wholeness through our love and acceptance of each other.

It’s not our fault that we couldn’t fulfill that dream, it wasn’t meant to be.

But the dream of knowing love isn’t lost with our separation, only the dream of finding it in each other.

For we have felt the touch in our souls by Love Herself. There are no more dreams; dawn has finally come to awaken us from our slumber.

Dear God, wash me clean of this earthly unfulfilled love, disappointment, hurt and anger.

Wash me clean of longing for that Love by any one but You.

No more searching outside myself!

Make me strong Amma, I don’t know how to let go.

Give me You to hold onto, I can not survive with empty arms, with an empty heart.

I was made to Love, there is no other purpose, no other truth.

Amma without Your Love I am incomplete, my love remains selfish and small. Only you can show me that wholeness.

Searching 9/7/05

The stories told me I would need to be saved

And I could feel in my gut that this was true.

A prince would ride beside me and sweep me off my feet

I would be made whole and complete.

I new that someday I would be found and brought back to this ground.

I looked to my father; I looked to my brother for some clue,

Could they tell me who I am?

Is this new lover the one to discover?

The search went on, no father, no brother, not even my mother or lover could fill this deep hole.

But then one day I saw a bright light in the dark night.

It was not a man, but a woman.

As she galloped into my heart, her long dark hair flowing,

I could hear the drums of her ancestors calling me to her; her voice sung a lullaby to my lost soul.

The emptiness filled with the desire to be her goal.

But like a lightening storm in the night, only glimpses of wholeness would be revealed.

There were many long dark nights with no lightening insight.

While I clung to the possibility of more,

My lover became lost in her own dark storm.

Both of us lost again, alone, and cold in the rain of our grief.

Don’t loose hope, for the story does not end here. The girl must be saved, made whole and complete.

With every other possibility lost, nowhere else to search,

The girl fell down

Down into her hole.

Down, down, down low.

People dieing all around her, decomposing in the earth.

Screams of terror echoing through her own bones.

Don’t want to see, don’t want to feel!

Into her fear, all by herself,

alone

at last.

Alone with her Self, she could start to feel,

feel that all is not empty,

She started to dig, under the fear, anger and grief.

Something was there!

Not lost at all! A glimmer, a glimpse of Hope.

From behind the darkened mountains, the glow of the rising sun just appearing.

Dew drops of grace started to fall on her buried seed of love.

Not alone at all, all around her as the sun rose high into the sky, she saw new life being born from the dead bones of her past.

And there True Love blossomed, Lover becoming Love, emptiness made Whole.