Theme song for this blog: Pick Up The Pieces

I kept hearing the words in my head for the past few days, "pick up the pieces" and then i remembered it was one of my favorite songs when i was a kid.  I remember loving that album cover too.  Amazes me how all the pieces are coming together, this blog is doing some kind of healing magic on me.

Another's Tears

Tears written by Enigma

I am angry
because I thought I cried my last tear,
yesterday.
But the sun is cradled in the arms of the sky and with this occurrence a new batch of tears has manifest.

I’m not angry because of their reappearance.
I’m angry because with this new expedition I believed that I would finally reach my point,
The point of not return,
The end.

The end of the games
The lying
The playing.
The end of non love being dressed up to look like love because the giver was unaware that outside appearances can indeed look the same.
Failing to realize that it’s the light that shines from within that you must discern.

I believed I had reached the point,
The point of no return.
The point where blows weren’t returned in place of love.
Deceit in place of truth.
Stagnation in place of growth.
Because being at the receiving end, I could no longer take any more...
Blows to this heart of mine
No more deceit transferred as truth within my mind.
No more promises of “baby I’ll do better” only to sit and wait and wait and sit
And at 7 seconds to the final hour realize that better was really a euphemism for
Technically never.

Through those season I cried so many tears.
Tears from the corner of my eyes,
Some falling from the inside and outside
Or filled to the rim and over flowing
Even though I tried my damnedest to keep them in.

I cried hurt tears
Scared, sometimes terrified tears,
I can’t do this shit no mo’ tears.
I’ll kill this nigga tears
Oh so this mofo must think I’m stupid tears
But he really bout to see my crazy, tears.

I cried confused, unhappy, unwanted, unappreciated, uncelebrated...
Tears.
Cried so many tears for 28 seasons.

So when the seasons changed, I thought I would no longer need the tears
After all, for everything there is a season.
And I had passed through so many deaths, that I believed this was finally my season of life.
And it was, it is, but even in life, you cry...
Tears.

Tears of happiness, renewal, growth.
Tears because what I had been through I don’t have to go through anymore.
Tears because where I am, is no longer where I was and where I’m going...
I control.

But, regardless of the season and who is or isn’t on the expedition with me
I can count on my tears because they continuously cleanse
Allowing me to release.
 
For Enigmas full Blog go HERE

dream

And last night i dreamt that i woke up lying on a stage, i was there to give my monologue.  I wondered how long i had been there, how long were they waiting for me?  As i became more alert i could here a voice talking, i looked out into the audience and another woman was standing and giving her monologue.  But i also saw another woman in the crowd that i recognized.  She was also standing with a big smile on her face, looking at me, as if she was listening to my story already.  I didn't know what to do with the other woman already talking.  I was so sleepy and set my head down again to rest but fell again to sleep.

Shadow in the Dark

Last night I was visited by a shadow of a person at my pillow. I jumped with a scream and tried to get away from it before I realized it was only a dream. I sat there shaking in the dark for a half an hour and then finally cried myself to sleep.

I remember one of the reasons I didn’t want to separate from my “life partner” was because I was afraid of the dark and would sometimes wake up screaming, but she was always there to hold me. I haven’t had one of those dreams in a very long time.

Since living alone I am no longer afraid of the dark, in fact I can lye under the darkness and watch for shooting stars or bathe in the light of the full moon. I used to be afraid UFO’s would come take me away. Now I know the stars and moon are there to protect me.

Right before going to bed I had watched a video of myself performing a monolog about my relationship with my x. I performed it back in March, this was the first time I have had access to the video to see what I had done. Performing the monolog was a big deal for me, an act of transformation in itself. I have never seen myself as someone with anything to say, certainly not a story to share. I had always expressed silently with my body, with dance. But in March I got up and spoke anyways!

As I watched I cringed and my heart raced with nervousness. I felt so exposed. I felt shy about how big my energy was, how brave I had been. Watching myself I just wanted to get small as possible. And I could feel I was small again, back in my safe box.

Is it even possible to stay present in that kind of honesty of self of spirit?

I am glad to have this document of that performance because it is so easy to forget the potential that lies waiting.

Waiting in the dark on my pillow perhaps!

Was the shadow my fear of my potential or was the shadow my potential, was it the no or the yes?

The most creative alive times in my life have been when I have chosen to follow fear.

So tonight as I lay my head on the pillow (now 2AM), I call that shadow back, tonight may I dance with you and see what we make together.