Shadow in the Dark

Last night I was visited by a shadow of a person at my pillow. I jumped with a scream and tried to get away from it before I realized it was only a dream. I sat there shaking in the dark for a half an hour and then finally cried myself to sleep.

I remember one of the reasons I didn’t want to separate from my “life partner” was because I was afraid of the dark and would sometimes wake up screaming, but she was always there to hold me. I haven’t had one of those dreams in a very long time.

Since living alone I am no longer afraid of the dark, in fact I can lye under the darkness and watch for shooting stars or bathe in the light of the full moon. I used to be afraid UFO’s would come take me away. Now I know the stars and moon are there to protect me.

Right before going to bed I had watched a video of myself performing a monolog about my relationship with my x. I performed it back in March, this was the first time I have had access to the video to see what I had done. Performing the monolog was a big deal for me, an act of transformation in itself. I have never seen myself as someone with anything to say, certainly not a story to share. I had always expressed silently with my body, with dance. But in March I got up and spoke anyways!

As I watched I cringed and my heart raced with nervousness. I felt so exposed. I felt shy about how big my energy was, how brave I had been. Watching myself I just wanted to get small as possible. And I could feel I was small again, back in my safe box.

Is it even possible to stay present in that kind of honesty of self of spirit?

I am glad to have this document of that performance because it is so easy to forget the potential that lies waiting.

Waiting in the dark on my pillow perhaps!

Was the shadow my fear of my potential or was the shadow my potential, was it the no or the yes?

The most creative alive times in my life have been when I have chosen to follow fear.

So tonight as I lay my head on the pillow (now 2AM), I call that shadow back, tonight may I dance with you and see what we make together.