When I am not here where do I go?

I said I was committed to staying creative no matter what mood I enter into.  I forgot.
Because, but, because… if I become vacant how can I do anything?!
Lack of creative inspiration = vacancy of myself 
It certainly has been a symptom in the past.  I don’t feel like talking here now about the how and why I’m too tired of my stories now.  I just want to get back to it and let it be revealed to me without my mind trying so hard to figure it all out.
Photo down load to come soon to show where I have been, to connect again to myself, to see what it is that I am seeing and feeling, to take a little step back to me that is connected.
It seems strange that I need self-documentation to sense I’m alive?
Like I find myself sometimes needing to say out loud through out my day that is often alone, “this is my life.”  So I can really get it.
And recently I walk around saying, “I have a dog!”  because I’m still in a bit of shock that I have this little big being that is fully dependent on me, and who she becomes is a reflection of me somehow, so I better do this right and not mess this up.  I never wanted a child exactly because of that.  I new I would not be able to face the disappointment of myself through who the child became and what if she hated me!  And now horror I am a mother!  I’ve always been a cat person, and somehow with cats the mother thing really didn’t happen for me.  A cat didn’t need me so much and that felt really good. 
Slowly over the last year more dogs started coming into my life, even a wolf dog stayed at my house for a bit and that’s when I new, nature is asking something of me.  I thought it was to just finally get a dog, I don’t think I completely comprehended the amount of expansion of myself was being requested. 
“Selflessness”  ba humbug… this word has been so spoiled in my mind, my body cringes and wants to through a tantrum, memories of serving my guru till there was no light left in me.  Memories of my self disappearing into some greater purpose, and then that purpose even being lost because there was no one left to feel the purpose.  And memories of loosing myself into my partner’s pain believing that I was responsible for her pain and happiness.  And memories of feeling so small in the presence of my mothers overwhelming need for my happiness that would be the food for her self-fulfillment.

And now, I remember, YES!  That is why I must stay creatively engaged; it is where I can be rebelliously myself! 

And, I am someone that can’t resist giving of my self and I remember the bliss that comes from loosing myself in another… and so now “I have a dog!”  Not a guru or a partner, a dog!  Actually, the dog spirit has brought with it a lover.  So there is a knowing that this new dogie is bringing me back to hopefully knowing love in some new healthy way.

Dog + Art =  whole heArted self