How do I enter the river after being at the ocean? A metaphore for a lot more...

How do I enter the river after being at the ocean?
And not even really a river because it’s dry right now.
And it stinks in some places like someone’s septic tank is overflowing.
And there are mounds of garbage everywhere.

How did I ever see beauty here?

I want to lie in the sand here but I am distracted by the thought of some biting insect finding me so I don’t follow my impulse to rest there.

I go home and cry and wonder if I will ever feel the soul of the Santa Fe River again.  That riverbed that runs behind my house, it had been refuge and inspiration during this past summer.  It was like it had run threw my home and body and surcharged me with its energy force. 
Now I have come home after being away during the fall equinox, I didn’t get to go threw that transition with my earth here.  I feel separate from her.  I am feeling very fall feelings.  I feel like something has died inside of me.  I am afraid of this feeling of internal death because it has been with me for so much of my life already. 
I don’t understand coming home to this after feeling so alive and connected to ocean and creative source in California.  I remember telling ocean, sunset, rock, wind, sand, “you are here” as I touched my heart and belly tears trickling down my cheeks, “you come with me, I am not separate from you.”  And I thought it would be so.

Everything I have written above…(some part of me is frightened to say this)… I could replace the words…
River for partner, ocean for guru/god

I remember touching my guru’s heart and my own at the same time when it was time to leave her, crying and with a demanding tone to my voice I would say, “you come home with me here!”  And I thought it would be so.

How do I enter intimate love after being with Universal love?
How do I love my partner after knowing divine love with my guru?
How do I come home to this body after knowing home in Spirit?


I WANT TO KNOW!

I have failed at this before, these transitions…
I remember coming home after months of traveling with our guru, after months of being absorbed in her Shakti Love Vibration.
My partner and I, we didn’t know how to do it?  I would go numb and feel agitated by her humanness and mine.  All I could do was watch tv.  I died inside each time we separated from our guru, I also separated from my self and the one that I loved. 
This went on for over ten years.  (and there are other layers to this story)

It is because of this failure to love the one that I loved that I feel so stubborn now about knowing the ocean in the river, knowing beauty where it is hard to find beauty, knowing god in my self and in all those that I see. 
I feel stubborn about yelling at the angels to let me land, “Release your claws from my shoulders, I know longer want to be carried.  Release me here on this earth, let me love as a human loves and in that, and in that I become divine.”  I am not looking for angel’s wings, I am looking for my feet, and my feet dancing with other feet.
This is my practice, and right now the only way I know how to practice this is threw some creative expression, my art keeps me connected to my heart, my heart is my ocean of love.
I have experienced beauty & love in this river before; that is the truth I need to hold on to.
Now, river means my own self.

This is my river, The Santa Fe River New Mexico.  To see more photos go HERE

This last time i went out to the river, i was greeted by this lovely display of hearts right where i enter the river bed, felt like someone was purposely mending my heart. For more river heart rocks go HERE