Saying Goodbye to Home

     If you have read these posts in sequence from the beginning you know a bit about my recent past, but I will say a bit here again for those who are entering now.
    I had shared a home with my life partner for nine years.  In 2005 after fifteen years she and I separated.  I new eventually I would need to leave this house I had so many associations with.  This house became a kind of vessel to hold all my grief.  In June this year I finally emptied the house to prepare to sell it and moved into town.  For over ten years I had been living a very uncreative life.  Those last nine years with my partner in that home embody the height of my feeling dead inside.
    I find it curious that as soon as all her and my stuff, (I still had so much of her stuff in there), was cleared out; it was like I could fall in love with my home again.  I could appreciate all that home and those years had given to me and an explosion of creative impulse ensued.
    I went up to the empty house on my own and started to document my saying goodbye rituals.  These two videos are part of a whole series called Saying Goodbye to Home. 
    I would like to acknowledge and thank my life coach / feng shui/ astrologist guide.  Without her coming into my home and challenging me to get rid of my x’s stuff and all un essentials, I would probably still be living up on that hill hiding from my self, life and my purpose… THANK YOU SARAH  MITCHELL!!!!!!!!

A Ritual: Goodbye to Home from Mano Sipowicz on Vimeo.


Entering - Light from Mano Sipowicz on Vimeo.

Creativity

"Creativity is not a noun or even a verb—it is a place, a space, a gathering, a union—a where—wherein the Divine powers of creativity and the human power of imagination join forces. Where the two come together is where beauty and grace happens and indeed, explodes. Creativity constitutes the ultimate in Intimacy for it is the place where the Divine and the human are most destined to interact." -Rev. Matthew Fox

      
     A space to gather and feel that union... right here on this blog.  Magic is happening.
     This quote that someone else posted on facebook this morning, feels so true today after more time spent editing a video.  I can't decide if this feels like an orgasm or having a baby, definitely a kind of intimate explosion with self and (what i will call) life force.  My body is vibrating.  I love this tumbling out of different creative moments and forms from improvisational movement to photos to video... tumbling out, revolving becoming more, gaining speed.  So curious what the "landing" will feel look like?  Can it keep turning & growing?

One long Motion picture

     Some would say that I am too hard on myself, well I say I am too hard on myself, the internal judge is always after me.  But what if that judge is actually a super hero strength of determination dam it!  I am the bull after all.  What if I can’t commit to anything in this world not because I’m fucked up but because I’m committed to one true understanding in this single body, committed to knowing Love/God right here inside!

…Just a glimmer of a thought…  just saying, it could be true,   maybe…..

    a few glimmers this morning, nice shiny ones.  I was up late editing some video work (I’m looking forward to sharing, and trying to be patient).  It was probably the biggest chunk of time I have spent yet on editing in iMovie.  I ended up dreaming about it most of the night, motion divided into clips that could be stopped, cut, edited; so many clips of motion making a whole long motion.  When I woke I had a very real physical understanding of something I heard Amma saying over and over again but it took editing a video to get it.  “The past is a canceled check.”  That always felt so abstract to me, as most of what she said did.  I would sit there and inside be saying, “and, and”  waiting for the how to do that.  I think I needed this visual learning experience to be able to really see life as a movie or as a play (as they say in Hinduism).  I understood after my dreaming that all life is a creation, a  l o n g   motion.  I can choose to stop and focus any where on the l o n   or   g  of the movie.  All of a sudden one clip of the movie feels less important to me.  This is a huge relief for someone who obsesses over the past.  Now I can see so clearly that the past is only one clip, REALLY, only one… there is a whole movie to watch, get over it!  And what a gift that we have this choice, to choose what clip of my life I want to focus on.  I am the creator,  hello mano, wow!
   
Thank you guru iMovie!  Thank you bull headed woman for staying true to your self no matter what others see you as.  Dani, I’m building my tower!

Purple Iris 2

As I came to climax in my self pleasuring last night, the purple iris appeared as a ghost of a flower over a grave.  The sight of it triggered tears of grief from this body still.  When will pleasure no longer be connected to painful longings for a story of shared love lost? 

Purple Iris

     As I prepared to move out of my home this spring purple irises bloomed in my garden.  In all the nine years living there, I had never seen this flower bloom.  It felt like a farewell blessing from the garden.  I enjoyed viewing it outside for a day in all its vibrancy and then brought it inside for a photo shoot at dusk.  I was mesmerized by the depths of its color with out the sun shining threw its petals.  These flowers would be a foreshadowing of a blossoming of my own creativity in this very home where I had felt so dead for all those years (more to come).

Symbolism of the Iris

http://www.sfheart.com/iris.html

“Among the duties of the Greek Goddess Iris was that of leading the souls of dead women to the Elysian Fields. In token of that faith the Greeks planted purple Iris on the graves of women. Iris was the messenger of the gods and the personification of the Rainbow. The Greek symbolism for the iris comes down to us by word of mouth in the form of a myth that was old in Homer's day.”



http://www.livingartsoriginals.com/flower-iris.htm

“The flower symbolism associated with the iris is faith, wisdom, cherished friendship, hope, valor, my compliments, promise in love, wisdom. Irises were used in Mary Gardens. The blade-shaped foliage denotes the sorrows which 'pierced her heart.”



http://www.dgreetings.com/fragrance-flowers/iris-flower-meaning.html

“Iris is unique among all the flowers in the world. It has the best symbolic flower meanings among all flowers, and it symbolizes trust. Iris has a mythical significance as well. Iris, the messenger of Hera, was bowled over by the beauty and colors of iris and gave it its present name. The messenger was actually hailed by the people of the world for bringing the rainbow on the sky. This was because she connected the world of humans to the world of temples of the heavenly gods. The use of iris to express feelings has become rare, but it is still apt for expressing trust.
The iris flower meanings portray the importance of someone's friendship. The iris flower meanings hail the glory of truth, friendship and trust. Now, you know the best gift for Friendship day is to let your dearest friend know with a bunch of iris, how much he/she means to you. Faith is an important pillar in our life. Faith in the Almighty as well as your dear ones is best captured by iris. Tell your partner that you have complete faith in him/her by giving an iris. This would indeed be an appreciating gesture.”

this image came from HERE

A Gift to My Self

     While I am putting this blog together I can feel pieces of myself aligning and coming into view.  Is it just myself that has a hard time really “seeing” my self?  In Nia practice we can choose to take a class for different reasons, for fitness or for self-healing.  I as a human and as an artist am often fluctuating in what motivates me to act, to live, to share.  Right now, this blog seems to be motivated by my need to know my self and for healing what feels wounded.  Funny though because the more I put the pieces together I start to get this vague sense that everything is here already, nothing really needs to be healed, fixed or found.  I wonder what will motivate me then, when I really realize That!

The challenge I gift to my self in creating this blog:  Can I stay present and creative with all of who I am, with all the moods I fall into?  Can I commit to staying alive even when I feel dead?  Can I stay in motion even in the stillness?

Are you a "Dancer?"

Are you a "Dancer?"
what does that mean to you, to be a dancer?
 

As a dancer, how do you experience the world differently?


Are you a dancer if you're sick in bed and can't move?


As a dancer do you ever not want to move your body? 


How are you a dancer in stillness are you still a dancer?

This is a question i posted on facebook July 28th.  I wont post the answers again here, but please do share your own experience with "dancing" these questions.  The following was my answer...


As a child I danced characters and clowns.  To dance was an act of play and exploring possibilities, it was a way to make those that I love laugh.
As I grew a little older I wanted to dance my sexy.   To dance and perform was to be seen in ways that were not socially acceptable, and yet when I danced that on stage I was applauded. 
To be a dancer was to be seen.
Dance became a place I could get away from the pressures of school where I felt stupid and small.
To be a dancer meant I new how to capture the attention of another by the way I moved.  I learned to enchant not just an audience but also those that I desired.  To be a dancer meant I had power and control of not just my own body but my body in relation to others.
In college I became more of a “choreographer.” 
To be a choreographer meant that I created with bodies.  I created shapes, and motion.  I expressed with bodies indescribable emotions.  I captured moods and moved them.
To be a choreographer meant that I was important, I now had something to say with my dance.  To dance became political, an act of empowerment, to express all that I could not verbalize as a woman. 
Dance became a tool to change the world.  To move and express for all those who felt unheard.
To be a dancer was to be a change maker, a magician, healer, and ceremonial leader.
To be a dancer I had to be brave.  I learned how to dance into hell and dance my demons.
To be a dancer I had to be humble, to open and listen to the energy of life itself in the trees, in the ocean, in a rock, in animals.
To be a dancer I learned how to become another.  I became a shape shifter.
And, I learned how to dance with another's energy.

And then there were the years I did not dance.  Was I still a dancer?  Even though I was not moving from awareness of my body, I was still moving energy.  Although it was not called a dance, there were times I was moving others threw space in patterns and an organized way.  If dance is about expression for me then I would say prayer was my dance.  Although I was still on the outside, my heart and spirit were leaping forth like a flame with longing, or knotting into a ball with confusion or anger.   Only now looking back, can I see that this time was an opportunity to know That which dances me.  There was time to be witness to the internal dance, the essence of my emotional and spiritual self and that which connects me with all energy.  
This time I had of “containment” of physical expression enables me to start to understand this container, this vehicle that holds my flame, and the relationship between body and spirit.  And only now as I write this can I understand that I am a dancer.  My response to being “contained” for 10 years was to dance like a wild animal.  I as a dancer needed to feel That energy that I am part of in motion, in Fully expressed.  I as a dancer, need to know god, other, life itself in my body and I need to move with it.  When I dance I feel connected and alive.  And when I am alive I share and create.
    It has been important for me to see how dance has been with me threw out my life, as friend, teacher, self identity… I needed to know this because I feel myself entering another phase, and I feel frightened and uncertain of my next steps, will there even be steps?  I have recently explored my wild dance and now I feel the question arising from with in, “how do you dance your emptiness and stillness?”  Dancing so often has been about sensing fullness, either of myself or other, but where is the motion in nothingness?  I know nothing; I am looking for a way to express that, and my fear of that nothingness.   And now I know The Dance will be with me even in this. 
So for me to be a dancer means I am in motion in this life, i honor and study the motion of life in all its phases.  Or another way of saying it, I honor and study the motion of spirits journey threw the body - and I dance it. 

To see a photo documentation of my life in dance follow this link
HERE